Lost Love

My heart detached from my soul and hung in oblivion.

My thoughts severed from my mind and drowned in an abyss of eternal darkness.

What once fed my being, now sucks life out of my being a being that thought love lasted for eons.

Alive to life but dead in a life that can’t bare to live without the essence of living. Leaving me a mirage of what once was but will never be because she left to live without me.

Now I know sorrow deeper than the deepest ocean as I have shade tears that could refill it; even though I cannot re feel her ever again.

The space that once held is now wide as the space that can’t hold, stretching into a dark blanket with stars that don’t scold.

You said till death do us part but you took the role of death and played it till you killed our love, parting it forever like paths that will never meet.

I should end it, but the world fails me; just like the fan failed the ropes…ropes that once tied the knot of our love now hangs from the ceiling we once faced and talked about our future, only for it to fall as I fast forward to my end…

Dropping me to the ever burning fires of hell…bound to meet you once more, cuddling the devil.

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Deadly Love

Modest be I about this feelings when I profess. It’s claws choke life from me as I confess. Like a priest you hear me and like my savior you absolve me.

This feeling so new, so surreal, leaves me feeling so un real. It’s like I’m buried in a fairytale, not telling tales of fairies but faring through tales of emotions, emotions I’d rather not show.

But every time the curtains are drawn it shows a show I’m not ready to play, casting me to a scene with no cast only to see me be casted to a life where sin lasts.

If this is what it feels like to love, then lock me up in a perpetual prison with chains made out of the guts I never had. Smear me red with blood from my pumping heart because if it won’t beat for you it won’t beat at all.

Now I lay myself as a sacrifice on an alter that took men that came before me, hoping to be sacrificed like virgins in an unknown land, with no chains of restraint or smiles of constraint, but with hands of acceptance and garments that need no repentance, pure as the road they had never taken.

As my blood spills for this love so will the rivers flow red. Forever nourishing the circle of deadly love…love that consumes more than it gives and alas I give it my life hoping to never die again because of the love I lived for.

To my never born

I had always dreamt about your coming.

But I never expected it will be as a result of my cumming later than needed but earlier than anticipated.

If I knew about you I would have stopped the fuckery and looked forward to your delivery but I was denied the knowledge of your discovery.

Now I lay on my bed thinking of what would have been but never was because of decisions that were made and never discussed.

In all these I will remember you as the most important person I had never met. Making your acquaintance without your existence.

Snatched from the world before you could be whole and thrown to a hole that deepens with each passing day.

Alas you will always be part of what I had but lost due to the mishaps that could have been avoided.

Mishaps I will shape to miss happy moments we never had.

Drip Drop

Drip drop it fell.

And with every drop i could tell…tell that her life was going. But here I was helpless to its ending.

Just as the rain fell, so did her tears. It came without a warning from deep within her yearning. And atop that crescendo of emotions she knew she was going to drop. Not as soft as a rain drop on a leaf but as hard as a hail stone on concrete…and hard she dropped.

Drip drop it fell.

This time not as fast as rain but as slow and painful as death.

She looked at her hands and felt the ease…the ease that came from the escape on her wrist and how free it made her feel. But it was then she felt it, something foreign gripped her by the throat, holding her tighter than she expected and she realized at that point that she didn’t want to die, but it was too late.

Drip drop it fell.

Not the rain from the skies but the blood from her wrist. Flowing like a river that basked in its beauty but oblivious to its ending, an ending that took more than it gave.

And with the last drop she kissed her life goodbye, taking the grim ripper by the hand like a new bride. Embracing a death that did not come from the joys of a fullflied life but at the Jaws of a broken soul.

Peace in his violence

My memory is a blur, all I remember are fragments of love that now linger.
The first time, all that hit was a finger
But I never knew it will lead to danger.

Now I’m a prisoner in a home borne from love…love that has now turned to a throne…a throne of pain that was built on every scar and bruise I ever nursed but still I did not leave.

When children came I thought that would usher a genesis of reignited love.
One that would have opened the heavens and poured out angels…
Rather it became the revelation of a hell so terrible that it could have shut the doors of hades.

A danger I once faced alone, now I face in the presence of eyes so innocent they didn’t know pain. Eyes that now shed tears of pain for a mother that was supposed to be one that cleansed theirs.

Leave I should but a presence holds me.
Should I continue in this misery?
Raising children that have only cleansed their mothers tears instead of exchanging her laughter.
A laughter they never knew.

Talk I should but my lips won’t let me
Not from the punches that caress them every evening but from the thoughts of change and fear of starting over. A change that I hoped will come every time he tells me he won’t hit me again.

The fear of my children not having a father figure or a means of sustenance grips me with claws that bleed.

So stay I will, may it lead to the end I will weather it. Because I know he will change and be the lover and father he once was.

Alas through his violence I will know true peace.

My Pain

What is life when all I feel is pain.

I wake up to the sun shining but all I see are rays of time counting the shortness of my life.

I go to bed each night under the moon but its light cast a shadow of love I will never feel.

I ask myself…is it my fault that I was born like this? Cursed to walk the earth not only in pain but in vivid awareness of my imminent death.

Is it my fault that the closest I have ever felt to love was when the doctors declared me dead only to pump my heart a minute later and wake me up.

Now I walk this earth not as a being in it but as an error in the being of it.

As you pray to your god, I pray to my pain that it may take me so I could know what it feels to not feel.

Now all I do is wait…wait for the day I close my eyes never to open it.

Wait for the night I don’t have to sleep with a tube attached to my face.

Wait for the day I embrace my lover in the surrender of this thing they call life.

Zone pt.1

Have you ever loved someone you couldn’t ever have? not because you weren’t good enough or they weren’t the one but just because you have been sucked into a zone that drowns more than it floats, with the water covering every chance of you ever swimming to the top.

I had loved her from the moment i saw her but i also lost her from the moment i knew her.

She was like the full moon and i was like the village square. she brightened my night but i could never thank her for it.

The space so close and yet so far, love so pure but also tainted by the stain of friendship, friendship which bounded more than it bonded.

With each passing day we became familiar with ourselves but strangers to love, love that i felt but could never give.

Its been years and i think i should tell her how i feel. Tell her that the smiles in our photos meant more, tell her that her hugs felt like clouds covering me, taking me to heaven before my time.

But every time i see the beauty of the friendship, i fear the future of the love that is not but that which i hope to be.

Will my words be the end of it? Or will my silence be the end of me.

My Freedom pt.2

On a day i deserved to get nothing out of life, Fate brought something into mine.

Her face looked fierce like the southern wind, her skin dark as the longest night.

The moment we locked eyes so did we unlock our souls.

From that moment i knew she would be the mother of my children and she knew i would be the father of a generation.

In the peak of discrimination and oppression, our loved thrived above the slavers chains of suppression and the cottons sting of condemnation.

We jumped the broom and matched our union on earth because love had already ignited our souls and swept it to heaven.

Under the brightness of the night and the darkness of our covers she broke my shackles and i broke the bloody chains to the door that held back a nation.

The lasting thrust bringing not one but two bundles of joy that will change the course of our lives forever.

The more they blossomed like flowers in the garden of heaven, the more i knew i needed to break them out of the hell of this slavers swamp.

I worked harder than usual to ensure our freedom not knowing those hands that held the whips would strike my lover, forever wiping her out of the land of the living all because she was a mother to our children.

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My Freedom pt.1

I was born into a dark time but my light shone brighter than a full moon or so I thought.
I was neither black nor white, the scorn of my difference haunting like a moonless night.
Beloved of my mother but unloved by my father. Who saw me as a mistake…
A mistake he’d rather not see again.
In the dead of the night I was sold off to the wind that carried whips…
Whips that delivered blows that took the wind out of my lungs.
Once my Mother’s favorite, now forever lost to her Favour or my right.
Rights I never had but rights that my children will always have.
The cotton field knew me before I knew myself…
With every touch I left a drop of my blood, staining the cotton like a girl that never has on a bed that always had.
From the prick that drew blood to the hardships that brew sweat, sweat that fell on hands that didn’t feel anymore.
My fingers remember the Cotton and it’s curse more than my memory remembered my name.
Covering me in the familiarity of the pain rather than the fabric of its existence.
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I Found You

I searched for you from the moment I was born, I entered the world looking around for you but I didn’t find you.
I searched for you in the eyes of my mother but still I didn’t find you.
Through out my time at kindergarten, till my time at college, I searched for you in the face of every friend I ever made but still I didn’t find you.
I searched for you in the face of my first lover but you weren’t there.
I searched for you in the smiles of everyone that ever smiled at me, in the tears of everyone that ever cried because of me but you weren’t there.
I searched for you in every cake I ate, in every ice cream I licked but you weren’t there.
I searched for you in the movement of every girl I liked, the momentum of every football goal scored by my favorite team but still you weren’t there.
I searched for you in the face of every potential partner I had, I searched for you in every lovely word they confessed to me but still I found you not.
I searched for you as I bent my knee to propose to my wife to be, I searched for you as I unveiled her face at the alter, as I put the ring on her finger and as I bound our marriage with a kiss I searched for you but still I found you not.
I searched for you in the shores of the Bahamas, in the burning sun of our honeymoon, in the endless, breathtaking love making we had but still I found you not.
I searched for you in the round belly of my wife and felt something for the first time since I was born, with every kick I felt my search was coming to an end.
I searched for your voice within the cries in the labour room, within every breathe my wife took and let out.
I searched for your cry when you came out but I couldn’t hear it, I searched for some movement while your mother held you but you were lifeless to her touch.
I searched for you in the tear filled eyes of my wife but all I saw was emptiness.
As I collected you I searched all the faces around the room for an answer but none came, I looked up to the heavens as I searched for an answer but none came.
I searched for you in the coffin that lay before me, closed but holding my wife and my daughter that never saw the world.
I searched for you in the prayer of the priest, in the sands I packed and dropped on the coffin but my search didn’t matter any longer.
After years of not searching I decided to finally search again and this time around I found you…
I found you at the end of a branch that held the rope…
The rope that took my life.
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